The Pack
by ringanybells
Summary: Season 1, Episode 6. When Xander attacks Buffy in the classroom, what is going through her head? And what happens between the zoo and school the next day that allows her to look at Xander without remembering what he almost did.
1. Chapter 1

_[[A/N]: This is set during Season One's sixth episode, 'The Pack.' The first chapter is Buffy's POV during her fight with Xander after finding Herbert's destroyed cage. The second chapter is an in-between that I wrote that occurs after 'the pack' gets unpossessed but before school the next day. The fight scene is pretty much straight out of the episode, but I wrote in a close to the fight and transfer over to the library scene. Most of the words in italics came from the show's script (Kiene and Reinkemeyer, Whedon), so I don't own them. ]_

Buffy was the Slayer. She was stronger than any man on the planet, and so far she had bested every demon she'd come up against. But here she was pinned, by none other than Xander Harris. It wasn't that he was stronger than her. He was strong, no doubt. But she could have thrown him off if she gave it her all. Two things stopped her. This was Xander, one of her best friends. A guy she had trusted with her deepest secrets, a guy she had come to rely on to get her through the hell she lived. She just couldn't quite bring herself to hurt him, possession or no. And then there was the fear.

She hadn't been powerless in a long time. Since that day that Merrick had come to her on the steps of Hemery High and told her about her destiny, she'd known that no person, no human, would ever pose a threat to her again, at least not physically. It had been reassuring to know she would never become a statistic. It had happened to one of her friends a few months before. She'd been beaten and raped, left for dead. She'd barely made it, according to the doctors. Buffy had gone to see her in the hospital a few weeks before meeting Merrick. She had looked into Kristen's eyes and seen true fear. In all her months of demon slaying, she'd not seen that same look.

Maybe it was because when you were eye to eye with a vampire, you knew you were about to die, end of story. There was going to be pain, and then there was going to be nothing. But for Kristen, the act had just been the beginning; there was still plenty of pain to be had.

As Buffy lay, pinned beneath Xander, her mind stopped functioning. She couldn't think. Instead of plotting the best ways to remove the danger, all her mind could process was the mind-numbing, all encompassing fear. Xander was going to try and take what he wanted, and she couldn't remember how to stop him. She tried to move, to escape from under him. If she could just get off her back, then maybe she could still get away. She couldn't keep the slight crack in her voice as she asked, begged him to get off.

She felt his hot breath on her cheek; his words came to her as if from far away. The words he said were so unlike him, they made the fear so much worse. _Is that what you really want? We both know what you really want. You want danger, don't you? You like your men dangerous?_ She knew he was talking about Angel, but Angel had never frightened her, not like this. Thoughts of Angel cleared her head momentarily, allowing her to push some of the fear away. _Dangerous and mean, like Angel, your mystery guy. Well, guess who just got mean._ He hovered above her, making it difficult for her to breath. His weight pressed on her chest. _Do you know how long I've waited, for you to stop pretending we're not attracted to each other? _He punctuated these words by running his hand down her face. From Angel, that touch would have been welcome, from anyone else, it pissed her off.

The newly fueled anger pushed the fear back long enough for her to throw him off. She pushed him aside and stood with Slayer speed. Now that the fear had subsided slightly, she wasn't about to let herself fall into such a vulnerable position again.

But he was up almost as fast, continuing with his pitch, _Until Willow stops kidding herself, that I could settle with anyone but you._ As he spoke he moved forward, herding her toward the wall. His voice was calm, full of hunger, his actions strong and pointed. She could barely catch a breath, the fear once again coursing through her veins. She backed up, slowly allowing herself to be cornered. She could think of no way to escape him without injuring him. Her head, no longer clouded by the fear, was warring against itself. The fear was still present, slowing her actions, but now it was combined with the Slayer's need to fight and her own desire to get out of this situation without killing Xander.

Again, she tried reason, _Look Xander, I don't want to hurt you._ The words were barely out of her mouth when his hands were on her. He drove her backward, hard. Her back collided with the soda machine, her head snapping with a low thud. She was momentarily stunned by both the action and the pain. This was Xander, he was her friend, he was supposed to love her. But the pain radiating through her skull and shoulders screamed otherwise.

He held her against the cold machine, his hands gripping her biceps. _Now do you want to hurt me?_ He pressed closer and she struggled to free her arms. Her movements only caused him to tighten his hold on her arms. She winced with the pressure. The fear spread through her system once again. It was worse this time because she knew he could taste it. _Come on, Slayer. I like it when you're scared._ She wiggled, trying to gain the upper hand. His face came closer, mirroring her movements. _The more I scare you, the better you smell. _

Hearing that sent Buffy's system into overdrive, this was no longer a conversation between friends. This was a game between cat and mouse, and Buffy was not used to being the mouse. He'd been toying with her, allowing her to believe that they were evenly matched, secretly knowing he had the upper hand. He could take her at any moment, and that thought thrilled him, even as it sickened her. She swallowed, hoping to remove some of the fear, hoping to kick the Slayer in her into action. But her movement aroused him and he moved in.

His lips collided with her neck, tasting her, smelling her. It was more intimate than Buffy ever wanted to be with Xander, especially under the current circumstances. She cringed away from him, but he was attached to her, not allowing her any room to escape. She could feel him pressed against her, his body touching every inch of her own, holding her tight to the wall at her back. The pressure on her upper arms increased and a small whimper escaped her.

The sound caused Xander to pull away, and for a moment Buffy thought she had reached her friend. But as she caught sight of his face, she saw the smile spread further. It wasn't Xander's smile, it was a predator's smile, the smile of a hunter that was enjoying its prey's pain. He moved in close again, ran his tongue along her cheekbone to her ear, _I liked that_, he removed his left hand from her arm and moved it to her chest, squeezing her breast. She was too scared by his progression to notice her suddenly freed arm. He moved his face to her other ear, _Do it again. _

Thinking that the force of his body and her own fear would keep her trapped against the wall, Xander removed his other hand and ran it slowly up her thigh. His mouth came down on hers and she couldn't think for the pressure he was exerting, both on her lips and against her chest. But the movement of his hand further up her thigh and closer to where Xander's hands would never belong quelled the fear in her. His hand on her thigh pushed the frightened girl down and allowed the Slayer to come raging through.

There was no longer room in her brain for the panic she'd been experiencing and the reluctance to hurt Xander snapped as he squeezed her again. She brought her knee up, hard. The contact with her own intimate areas was removed as pain radiated through Xander's more private parts. He moved back several paces, a low growl emanating from his throat. Buffy didn't allow him a chance to recover. She stepped forward, landed a punch across his face. He responded with a backhand, which sent her spinning into the rows of desks. She was slightly disoriented, stars blooming in her eyes. She grabbed one of the desks to keep upright. But he was not about to give her time to recover. He crouched, building strength for a pounce. She recognized his intentions and hurled the desk through the air.

The two collided mid-air, and went down in a heap. Buffy took a second to catch her breath and reassert her equilibrium. As the Slayer she had faced vampires and demons, she'd nearly been killed by a witch and she'd battled a giant praying mantis. Those things had not scared her. But Xander Harris had. She stood over him, looking down. How was it possible that someone could literally look death in the face on a nightly basis without blinking, but could freeze up as she had? Her breathing slowly returned to normal.

She was afraid what would happen if Xander woke up and tried to touch her again. She couldn't tell which was scarier, the thought that he might succeed or that she might kill him to stop it. She wasn't about to find out. She allowed herself one more moment to gather her control and then she began dragging Xander toward the library.

As she opened the doors, Willow popped up from behind the computer. _Hurry up, we've gotta get him locked up before he comes to._ Buffy hoped Willow would just help, and not ask what had happened. But of course, luck wasn't on her side.

_Oh my God, Xander, what happened?_

_I hit him_, Buffy's answer was short and sweet. She wanted to save Willow the details.

Willow looked down at the form of her unconscious best friend, _With what?_

_A desk,_ came Buffy's honest and straightforward reply. She moved him into the cage. One glance at Willow revealed that Buffy would have to provide a little more of a reason. _He tried his hand at felony sexual assault_, Buffy tried to keep her voice level and calm. She didn't want Willow to see just how shaken up she was over what had almost happened between her and Xander.

Willow responded with a lame excuse, and Buffy placated her with a joke. Buffy would not allow Willow to see how hurt and scared she had been just minutes before. She wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to look at Xander the same way again, she didn't want to ruin his relationship with Willow as well. As the cage clicked shut, she allowed herself to breath a sigh of relief. For now she was fine, and she wouldn't have to worry about facing Xander again for some time. Hopefully next time she looked in those chocolate eyes, he would be himself.


	2. Chapter 2

_[[A/N]: This scene comes after the zoo, but before school the next day.]_

Buffy was glad to have the whole possession thing behind them. She had avoided Xander after leaving the zoo, allowing him to walk Willow home and excusing herself to attend to Giles. They had gone back to the school, Giles wanted to clean up any damage to the library before it could be seen by anyone, to avoid unnecessary questions. He was rather surprised when Buffy volunteered to help. She moved the cage door to the dumpster as he picked up pieces of shattered glass and the books that had been knocked off their shelves. On her way back from the dumpster, Buffy had taken a moment to straighten up the classroom where Willow had taken refuge.

When she returned to the library, it appeared to be empty. Assuming Giles had gone to dispose of his trash bag, Buffy slumped into one of the chairs surrounding the rectangular table. She hadn't allowed herself to think of the events of this evening, she'd been trying to block out the things that had transpired between Xander and herself. But now that she no longer had a threat to focus on, the emotions welled within her. The tears fell of their own accord, she barely realized they were present. Her mind's eye replayed the scene over and over, each time different- her stopping him sooner, her failing to stop him at all. A sob escaped her lips and she buried her face in her hands.

As the Slayer, she was expected to battle monsters and vampires on a nightly basis. That required a certain amount of bravery, a certain amount of backbone. Yet here she sat whimpering like a child. She tried to suck the pain up and when she raised her head from her hands, her eyes locked with those of her Watcher. She felt instantly ashamed. What must Giles think of her? He deserved a better Slayer, yet he had been stuck with a crybaby who couldn't follow the rules. She stood up and made to leave, murmuring a hurried apology.

His hand closed around her upper arm, in an effort to stop her. He felt her muscles tighten, felt the spasm of fear shake her body. When she turned to look at him he saw the panic barely hidden within her eyes. He removed his hand quickly, not oblivious to the cause of her reaction. He gathered his breath, and as calmly as possible he asked, _What happened?_

Buffy wanted to deny that anything had. But her eyes once again locked with Giles' and she knew it would be no use. _I…_she couldn't find the words to express her panic. She didn't want Giles to be disappointed in her, she valued his opinion to much_._

Giles saw the battle in her eyes, could tell that she was afraid to let him in, to expose her weaknesses. But he could also see that she wanted to trust him and confide in him. He wanted that as well. He was her Watcher. It was his job to support her, to help her. He'd listened to his father and grandmother speak about a Watcher's duty. They'd always told him that the Council and the mission must come first.

But looking at this amazing young woman before him, he realized that there were most definitely two kinds of Watchers. There were those who were watchers only in name, the ones who lived their lives in study and research, compiling information. They were the ones who swore to the Council. And then there were the real Watchers, the ones who actually had Slayers, who knew that a Watcher's duty was not to the Council, but to the girl. How could you watch a young woman, any young woman, deal with the things a Slayer must face and not come to love them, to care for them? Giles had known from the beginning that Buffy was special; he had seen it in her determination to fight her calling. But that determination had paled in comparison to her desire to save those who might be her friends, to protect the people of this hellish town.

When she had been struck down by the blood stone vengeance spell just weeks before, he'd realized that he already loved her. He'd been terrified that he would lose her. He'd barely gotten to know her, and already he cared for her as if she was his own blood. When he'd first been assigned as her Watcher, they had handed him the diary of the man who came before him, Merrick. The bulk of it had contained complaints about her resistance and dislike for her destiny. But the complaints had slowly changed into admiration for her skill, strength, and depth of heart. His final entry had been a note of regret that he would not get to see the truly fine Slayer that Buffy would one day become. He felt his time was short. He had been right of course; he had met his end not long after. He had taken his own life to spare Buffy the pain of having to slay her Watcher.

Merrick and Buffy had disliked each other immensely at first, each for their own reasons. After weeks of training together, they had bonded. In the end, Merrick had killed himself to protect his Slayer. It had not taken Giles nearly as long to realize he would do the same.

Again he stepped forward, slowly he raised his hand and placed it upon Buffy's shoulder. She raised her face to lock eyes with his. He saw as she gave up the fight to be strong. The tears fell from her eyes. _I'm sorry, Giles. You deserve a strong Slayer, and I…I think that someone messed up. I don't have what it takes to be Chosen._

It was the first time he'd heard her speak of the calling that way, as if it was an honor, and not a burden. That affected him more than her claim of weakness. _Buffy, I don't believe there is anyone who deserves this fate less_, he paused to allow his words to sink in. It was not fair that she had been handed this death sentence. _Nor do I think there is anyone who could have taken up this mantle as gracefully as you. There is no one else I'd rather watch over._ He fought the urge to hug her for only a second. It was weakness on his part, to allow such affection into their relationship, but he knew that she needed the reinforcement right now. He held her for a long moment, until he could feel her spine straighten.

When she stiffened ever so slightly, he released her. _Now, please, tell me what happened. _He didn't want to pry, but he knew she needed to get this off her chest. He was meant to be her confidant, the one person that she trusted above and beyond all others. There should be nothing she felt she could not tell him, it was the only true compensation a Slayer got. She had power and destiny thrust upon her shoulders, an expiration date stamped on her forehead, and all hope for normalcy ripped from her hands, in return she was given a person in whom she could trust and confide completely.

_I froze, Giles. I was looking for Xander, and he snuck up on me. _She took a moment to inhale, remembering that first surge of fear when she had turned around to find Xander hovering behind her. She continued, slower, _I tried to get around him, to the door, but he was too fast. I went on the offensive, pushed him back. But when he fell, he took me with him. He overpowered me, and all of a sudden, I was beneath him. It was like I wasn't the Slayer anymore. I was terrified, my brain shut down. _She stopped again as the fear once again coursed through her, a pale shadow of what it had been earlier that evening._ I'm supposed to be able to destroy evil and slay vampires. But pinned beneath Xander, _she shook her head in disbelief at her inability to function_, I could barely move my arms. _

Giles did not move as he absorbed her words. He could imagine the fear that had captured her earlier, because he was getting a small taste of it now. He bowed his head slightly as she continued, _I was frozen. He was looming over me, he kept telling me what I wanted, and that now he was all of those things._ Giles head snapped up quickly, but Buffy was staring off into space. A moment ago, he'd thought Buffy had been afraid for her life, a thought that terrified him as well. But as her words registered, he realized that Xander's possession wouldn't have led to Buffy's death, at the very least her death hadn't been the main focus of Xander's attack. Xander had been trying to seduce Buffy, or at least what passed for it in his possessed mind.

Buffy had taken a breath and was speaking again, _The only thing that cleared my head enough to throw him off was his mention of Angel. But he was up as quickly as I was. He was on me, had me pinned to the wall before I could even throw a punch. The fear was overpowering, Giles. He had his hands on my arms and I couldn't shake him. I couldn't find the power to fight him till he kissed me, till his hands were…_she trailed off, unwilling to reveal to Giles just how close Xander had come to violating her. When she opened her mouth again, her voice was practically inaudible, _He said he liked the way I reeked of fear, the sound I made when he hurt me._ She trailed off again, tears slowly sliding down her cheeks.

Giles was appalled. This girl whom he loved, his Slayer, had come much to close to a fate worse than death. To think it had been at the hands of someone she loved and trusted. He saw the pain in her eyes. _Buffy_, he stopped unsure of how to reassure her, when he himself was all but shaking with fear and anger.

_I'm supposed to be this hero, this warrior. If he had been just a little less sure of himself, I'm not sure if I would have been able to stop it._

And it was that confession that allowed Giles to see what Buffy was truly afraid of. It hadn't been the person in the situation but the situation itself. Buffy was terrified of being weak, of fear. She may fight her destiny left and right, but he could see now just how important her strength had become to her. _Buffy, there is nothing wrong with fear. It's part of what makes us human. If you weren't afraid of anything, I would be worried._

_Giles, I shouldn't be afraid to the point that I can't fight. What good am I as a Slayer, if I freeze like that when I'm afraid._

_You never have though. It wasn't the monster that scared you, Buffy, it was the act. If Xander had been trying to kill you, I'm quite sure you would have been fine. You've been given power and strength, and against evil beings, you know how to best utilize yours gifts. But earlier tonight you faced man, even if he was possessed. The position you were in, it's enough to terrify any woman. The fact that it was Xander probably made everything even more difficult. _He stopped a moment and waited for her to look at him, needing eye contact when he spoke his next line. _Sometimes the strength of the Slayer won't be enough. There will be times when your power fails you. Those are the moments when you'll need something else. Those moments are why I allow Xander and Willow to stick around and be a part of this. The strength of your calling is not what defines you, it's the strength of your heart. _

_You proved tonight that you, Buffy, the person, not Buffy the Slayer, are strong. Otherwise you wouldn't have been able to overcome your fear. _

_But Giles…_She didn't know how to explain to him how she'd felt.

He let out a small laugh, a small smile on his lips. _You think I don't understand. And I don't, not entirely, I'll probably never feel that kind of panic. But I do know fear, the kind that locks you to the spot. The kind of fear that invades your brain and stops all cognitive processes, till you can't function, can't think beyond what's about to happen to you. I feel that every time you fight. Even just now, as you were telling me what happened, I was seized with the panic of what could have been done to you, yet I could see you here safe in front of me. _

She looked up, meeting his eyes. She hadn't realized that Giles cared for her, not like that. _How do you deal with it?_

_I try to realize that I'm no help to you like that. I try to focus less on the fear and more on my desire to be of some use. It doesn't make the fear go away, but it does allow me some measure of control._

Buffy nodded. She had been able to regain her control when she'd gotten angry, it made sense to focus on another emotion. _How do I face him tomorrow? _

Giles had just been asking himself the same question. Xander hadn't exactly been in control of his actions, but even Giles could tell that the boy had a crush on the Slayer. The possession had removed his inhibitions, given control to his animalistic side, allowing him to confront Buffy. _The same way you faced him this morning.. You've seen Xander at his worst. You've seen him behave in ways, seen him do things, that he never would have wanted you to witness. But he's your friend. Did he not stand by you when he saw your hidden side?_

Buffy thought about it. Xander had stood by her when he'd found out what she was. They'd barely known each other, yet he had followed her into the sewers, fought side by side with her, and helped her escape. She hadn't wanted the people of Sunnydale to see her as the Slayer, because when her 'friends' at Hemery had, they'd turned their backs on her. But Xander hadn't, he'd embraced her dark side. She could forgive his actions, he hadn't exactly been himself. _You're right. Thank you, Giles, for everything._

_That's why I'm here. You should go home, get some rest. _

She said her goodbyes, and then turned to leave. As she exited the library, Giles wondered if he too would be able to treat Xander the same way in the morning. Then memories of his long ago days in London crept into his head. Xander's transgression was small in comparison to the things he had done as a youth. He knew quite well that Xander remembered what had transpired while he'd been possessed, no matter what he claimed. But he would allow the boy his lie, because Giles knew that Xander couldn't be proud of the things he'd done while possessed any more than Giles could be over the sins he had committed.


End file.
